I just finished Chapter 83. As it stands, 84 will be the finale of fs01. Before I write this final chapter, I actually feel a bit sad about it.
Before this, I had never been able to write erotic fiction (or any kind of fiction) before. I would get too hung up on certain specifics or details or kinks or fetishes and it would completely destroy the flow. Or, I might fantasize about it, masturbate about it, and lose any and all desire to finish it after that. It was like this from 2003 when I first started trying until mid-2016.
On May 25th, 2016 I sat down with a goal in mind. I wanted to see if I could “write porn.” I wasn’t trying to write erotica, I was merely attempting to write a F/m cunnilingus scene that would be so vivid, realistic, and sexy that both men and women would want to masturbate while reading it.
To my surprise, I was able to actually finish the chapter. I tacked on a bit at the end of it that set it up as the starting point for a fantasy story idea that I had always wanted to do in comic book format. Off I went. I published chapter 8 on May 30th, having written over 35,000 words in 5 days. I was actually writing it faster than people were reading it. I followed up the first Arc with 3 “bonus chapters” that were additional scenes I wanted to have as accompaniments to the story but didn’t really fit to put them within the story.
The first Arc had a lot of cliche fantasy elements, but the limited initial feedback I received was positive and people really seemed to enjoy my portrayal of the D/s dynamics within their relationship. On June 1st, 2016 I started Arc 2. With this story I went with a much more reasonably realistic story-line that was a topic that was very dear to me. Those who have known me probably know that I lost my first Domme to cancer and it was probably the most devastating event of my life. I used the second Arc as a means of confronting the theme of tragedy and death. I finished the Arc on June 4th, 2016.
As things progressed, I wanted to explore more themes. This medium allowed me to do so. After a while I had found that I had created a number of characters that were very dear to me. While I did have a number of unplanned breaks due to depression (usually happening mid-Arc), I always came back to finish it.
Writing this was mostly a labor of love. For the first 4 Arcs I pretty much had one reader that left me comments. One. She went on vacation for a time and I ended up writing 15+ chapters without receiving any comments. That reader, was Lady Grey. Her input and feedback kept me hungry to write. Much of the time I felt like I was writing it just for her. I knew her feedback would be honest and candid and this held me to a standard that I tried to maintain throughout the work.
Eventually I ended up with 3 other readers that were an interactive part of the process. Misty, Miss Lily, and Watson. Watson ended up going dark on me at some point, but for much of the process, it was them and Lady Grey. I was getting views. The page counters were rolling. Blogger has no “like” function so I had no clue. Comments were my only way of knowing what people liked and what they didn’t. I cross posted the story on a Fur Fetish forum and received 1400 views… and not a single comment. 0. None. No likes. No thanks. No thumbs ups. I did get requests from people asking me to write their personal fantasies, so I guess that means they read it and think my skills were good enough for that?.
Since moving to WordPress, I have managed to gather up some new readers. It feels great when someone new stumbles upon it and I get to see the likes rolling through on my notifications. If I act like I don’t have confidence in my writing ability, it is because I don’t have confidence in my writing ability. I’ve just never gotten a consistent stream of feedback from people that I didn’t already consider to be friends before they started reading it to trust how my writing holds up in a vacuum.
I have been slowly growing more confident. I know that my writing has improved as I went (it feels embarrassing for me to read my early chapters now). I know that these last few Arcs have been more dear to me and personal than the earlier ones.
Here I am, one chapter away from the end. I have written approximately 253,000 words (900+ double spaced pages) that all started from my attempt to write porn. These characters feel like a part of me. They feel like old friends. I will miss them. I may choose to revisit them with bonus chapters, but I feel that the relationship between Cassandra and fs has peaked. The last thing I want is to end up with a Dexter Season 8 or REO Speedwagon* playing a show at the state fair.
My heart feels a little sad.
Thank you to everyone that has been here with me along the way.
*If you happen to be an REO Speedwagon fan, feel free to replace them with the Spin Doctors in that sentence in your mind.