fs02: A Domme’s View – Arc 3 – Chapter 27

Chapter 27

It took all day for Michael to respond. I was a bit surprised by his delay as stalking activity feed showed that he was active for most of the day. My emotions are mixed about this. Rationally, I appreciate that he took the time to consider the weight of my request. So many subs carelessly sling themselves at me without thought or regard. I know that their words are empty. I want a boy that will know what he is getting into. Without that, he will let me down.

The heart isn’t always rational. Who am I kidding? When is the heart ever rational? The predator within me gnashes her teeth, frustrated that it took him so long to decide to be consumed. His response was minimal.

“Miss Wanda,
I will suffer for you.
-michael”

Part of me expected him to be more excited about the prospect of being with me. A lot of my confidence stems from being certain that boys are pining for me. Why do I find this unnerving? I have never taken this approach with a boy before. Part of me harbors doubt. Is this how I want to present myself? These feelings are new. I want to explore them. I have never come on this strong before.

The more that I think about it, how is this any different? I’ve never been willing to compromise. I have always made it clear that I am uncompromising from the start. Is it that in the past it was always about giving me what I wanted? This time around it doesn’t feel the same. Having a boy worship my body is different than hurting him for the sake of hurting him. Is this dominant guilt? That’s something that I have read about but never really understood what it was about.

I feel my conscience talking to me. It tells me to do what I have always done. Get to know this boy. Show him a few different sides of yourself. Get to know his other sides. Test him. Don’t be one dimensional. Don’t turn yourself into a caricature.

I type a reply.

“Michael,
Tell me about your hard limits.”

I hope he doesn’t take another full day to respond to this one.
I receive a response within 15 minutes. It’s mostly practical standard fare.

“Miss Wanda,
Here are my hard limits:
Nothing illegal, no children, no animals.
No scat, no blood, no crippling bodily harm.
No public exposure that would affect my ability to live a prosperous life.
No sexual contact with men.
I cannot be given to someone else.
-michael”

 

I believe these are all reasonable limits. Most are standard fare. The last few seem are more individual to him. I have to wonder if these are based upon experiences or fears.

“Thank you, Michael.
What do you like to do in your free time?”

The response is almost immediate. He must be sitting at his computer.

“Miss Wanda,
In my free time I like to draw, paint, read, write stories, and sometimes I will just sit outdoors where there is a pretty view. I also like movies.

Might I ask what you do for fun?
-michael”

Interesting. He’s the artsy type. Well, that was kind of obvious from his kinklife page but this sort of confirms things. Creative boys are interesting. It will be a welcome contrast to James. I debate whether or not I should answer his question. I prefer to remain a bit of an unknown during this stage.

“Michael,
I will be the one asking the questions for now. Have you served a Domme before?”

“Miss Wanda,
Yes, I served a Domme for 6 years. I have been single since she released me 2 years ago.
-michael”

Wow. He’s 26, which means he got started at 18.

“Michael,
What expectations do you have of me?”

He’s responding so quickly now. This must be what he was talking about it being easier for him to write it out.

“Miss Wanda,
Am I allowed to have expectations of you? I had always felt like it was you that would have expectations of me. If I am allowed to have expectations, I think that in the long run I would like to know that you would care for me and make sure that I make you happy.
-michael”

I read his message and my jaw drops. I like his answer but it wasn’t what I was expecting. I can’t quite read him.

“Thank you, Michael.
Do you own a chastity device?”

“Miss Wanda,
I do. I saw on your profile that you required it so I got it out and made sure it still fit.
-michael”

“I want you here on Friday evening and to stay with me through the weekend. Does that work for you?”

“Miss Wanda,
I am free this weekend. Is it okay if we talk more this week? I just want to get to know you a little bit more before I commit to staying for the weekend if that is okay.
-michael”

“That is acceptable, Michael. I must sleep for the night.”

“Goodnight, Miss Wanda.”

I’m tempted to just give him my yoohoo name. I’m having trouble reading him. Michael doesn’t seem as desperate as the boys I have grilled in the past. He also doesn’t seem to have any confidence. It’s a curious combination. I’m meeting Cass for lunch tomorrow. I pop up a message and send a link to his profile. Cass is my favorite 96 year old Antarctican on kinklife. She doesn’t do much on here but has an account so she can read links when people send them.

I can’t help but feel puzzled by all of the emotions going on inside of me. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions at the same time. A part of me wants to coddle and protect Michael. A part of me wants to destroy him. A part of me is certain that he desires me. A part of me is afraid of scaring him away and I feel like I keep teetering on the edge of this.

Beyond that, I don’t know why I’m so enamored with him. I think it’s because I find him so hard to read. It’s almost like he’s playing hard to get by being himself. It feels like conquering him would be an accomplishment. Wait, what? That is new.

Around and around they go in my head while I brush my teeth. Thoughts upon thoughts, no sense to be made. No clarity. The old me would be tearing my hair out. The current me is patient enough to let this process. I lay down in bed and close my eyes. I won’t even lose sleep over this.

I meet Cass for lunch the next day. She’s waiting for me at our usual table. It feels like a month since I saw her. Funny how a week feels so much longer when you feel yourself change. She cuts right to the chase as I sit down.

“That’s an interesting boy you found, Wanda.”
“How so?”
“How many of his writings did you read?”
“A few. They were really out there.”
“This boy has been abused. Badly.”
“How could you tell?”
“His stories.”

You know what I mean, Cass, don’t play coy.
“What about his stories?”
“Are you really that dense, Wanda?”

 

I close my eyes and shake my head.
“I remember a story about a wicked witch. I remember one about an evil Queen. I remember one about a Goddess.”
“Powerful women, right? And what did they do?”
“They terrorized the boy.”

Really, Wanda? You really are dense. Cass spells it out for me like she’s pounding nails into my skin.
“The boy was him.”

I want to go back and read his entries again. I want to study his paintings. It should have been obvious, Wanda.

“What does it mean, Cass?

She sits back and ponders. I’m not used to her not having an answer to things.

“It means that there are a variety of ways you can approach this, but his psyche is fragile. You could spend years rebuilding him or…”
“Or what?”
“You could break him.”

Wait, what?
“I thought you were going to say to tread carefully or something.”
“Really? What makes you think that? You’ve seen my pet. He was damaged, too.”
“What would happen if I broke him? Does that mean he would end up like fs?”
“I can’t say for sure. My pet was someone who was hanging on by a thread, ready to be broken. It was what he craved. I can’t speak for this boy. If I had to guess, if you broke him he would probably… love you forever.”

I place my hands on the table. I feel so confused right now. This doesn’t make sense. Craves to be broken?

“At the play party… I feel like… I had an awakening of some sort. It’s like… I finally… I don’t know.”
“Accepted that you are a sadist?”
“Did everyone know this but me?”

I toss my hands up in the air. Cass laughs.
“Wanda, when I met you had some fairly narrow definitions of D/s. I don’t think you ever gave yourself the chance to explore the full extent of your dominant side. Your early experiences were with some pretty poor subs and you reacted by thinking that any sub that has cravings for dominance were bad. By limiting the dynamic, you cut off an entire side of yourself before it had a chance to develop. You saw that side as catering to the sub’s desires without figuring out if you had desires for that, too. When you think about it, meaningful relationships aren’t based around only fulfilling your needs, it is about both people feeling fulfilled.”

“But David wasn’t like that.”
“Oh, Wanda. David was a unicorn. Think about this. Do you think he would have been happy if you didn’t let him pleasure you on a daily basis?”

I swear to god, she is always right.
“Am I really this naive, immature, and blind?”
“We all have to grow up sometime.”

You could have just said, ‘yes,’ Cass. Our conversation shifts as we eat. I tell her about the play party. Patrice. Dominique. Colin. Michael. Thing. I let my thoughts fester. I swallow my pride.

“Cass, if you were me, what would you do with Michael?”
“Easy. I would press him and see what happens.”
“Happens to him or to me?”
“Can’t it be both?”

Answering questions with questions. Can’t anything be easy? It’s like I always have to find the hardest path.

The rest of the day at work is a struggle to stay focused. I want to press him, prod him, and push him, but I’m terrified of breaking him. I keep watching the clock, waiting for this work day to end.

Return to the Table of Contents

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “fs02: A Domme’s View – Arc 3 – Chapter 27

  1. I love reading her journey of discovering these other sides of herself, delving deeper into her dominance. And what happened in Michael’s life? What will she do? Break him or save him? Maybe by breaking him she will be saving him? So much to look forward to! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s