fs02: A Domme’s View – Arc 3 – Chapter 29

Chapter 29

I woke up refreshed and with a clearer head. Fcsie was right. As much as I love a boy pleasing me, I love power too. I love taking away choice. I love that pleasing me is the only option. It stops being completely clear after that. When it comes to suffering, I can’t tell if I enjoy that I can make them suffer, that I am making them suffer, or the way that they respond when they suffer. It might actually be all three. I struggle with the idea of this.

I really don’t want to be someone that doesn’t care about what their sub feels, thinks or wants. That is how I have been so far. It feels kind of icky. It isn’t how I want to see myself. When I think about Cass, it makes me wonder how she balances it all. She has an outlet. She can be as cruel as she wants to be. I see her love for fs. It’s real and deep. How can she be both ways? Is it that fs actually wants to suffer like that? I should probably ask her but I feel too embarrassed about it. I text Dominique.

“How do you know that a man wants to suffer?”
“Easy. They used to pay me $500 an hour.”

Sometimes I forget that she was a pro.
“Any other way?”
“Sometimes they will say, ‘I want to suffer.’”

Sometimes I also forget that Dom isn’t the most helpful person in the world.
“And if they don’t say something like that?”
“Don’t know, don’t care.”
“You don’t think about that?”
“No. You’re boring me.”

Bitch, I will strangle you. I let out a sigh. I think back to Cass and fs. I feel like she told me something important a long time ago. We were talking about humiliation. Submissive space… or mental space or something like that. Humiliation made fs feel submissive. Maybe there’s more to it. Cass took away fs’s freedoms and choices. He wants to feel submissive. He wants her to be cruel because it makes him feel the way that he wants to feel.

It seems like a lot of subs want to be treated badly. I never treated a sub badly, I just dismissed their feelings completely. Well, I guess that would be bad in its own way, but I never purposefully made them feel awful. Wait. I did that one time. David when he shoveled snow. I feel the warmth rise in my heart. I wrap my arms around myself. Thank you, David, for letting me remember you fondly rather than feeling sad.

Why did I make him wear that hat? I was trying to scare him off. I wanted to make it so unpleasant. But I had fun. I remember laughing at him when he took down his hood. I remember him struggling with the garden shovel. I remember finding that amusing. I really am a sadist.

I take a deep breath. I have to dig deeper. I remember at the end of the first month I asked him if he felt submissive being with me. He said he did. I asked him why. He told me it was because I dismissed his feelings completely and had intense demands. The gears turn in my head. It made him feel submissive knowing that I didn’t care. We were so lucky to have found each other. I still can’t believe he was drawn to me for my selfish and uncompromising nature. Silly boy.

That must not be that uncommon. Some submissive men want to be treated badly. Is this the bridge I was looking for?

I open my laptop and go to kinklife. I type a message to Michael.

“Are you looking for a Domme that will be cruel or kind?”

I step up to make myself a cup of coffee. Which of those two am I? I return to find his reply.

“Miss Wanda,
Can’t she be both?
-michael”

I pick up my phone and type up a quick message to Cass.
“Do you find that you have to compartmentalize the parts of your dominance in order to be both loving and cruel?”
“That’s an easy way of thinking about it and if you had asked me early on I probably would have said yes. I’ve come to realize that it is more like a series of parallel voices that are all there, but one of them holds primary control. When I am being cruel, I don’t stop loving, but the intensity of the voices shift.”
“So when you are loving, the cruel voice gets quieter and when you are cruel, the loving voice gets quieter?”
“It’s a little complicated, but in its simplest form, yes. The cruel voice is almost absent except for when I am in Domspace.”
“Do you ever feel guilty about the cruel side?”
“I have before, but then I picture it as a type of love. Could you imagine fs feeling okay if I wasn’t cruel to him? Or maybe it’s because I love him that being cruel is okay. I remember the guilt, but it doesn’t really bother me anymore unless I screw up.”
“Thank you, Cass.”

I’m so lucky to have her as a mentor. It will take me a bit to process this all but I can feel the pieces falling into place. I’m starting to see the picture. I return to my laptop and type a reply.

“What is it that you see in me?”

His response is immediate.
“I’m drawn to your potential, Miss Wanda.
I see the woman you could become.

-michael”

I step away from the laptop. I don’t understand. Is that a dig at me? Am I not enough? Or does he know that I’m in this process of change? That I’m struggling to accept who I am. I want to show him.

“Who do you think I will become?”
“Miss Wanda, I see an unrelenting Goddess who would crush me.”

Good boy. I feel my eyes shift.

“Does this mean you will be staying the weekend?”
“Yes, Miss Wanda.”

A grin parts my lips. Something clicks.  This is my permission.  I will crush you, Michael.

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10 thoughts on “fs02: A Domme’s View – Arc 3 – Chapter 29

  1. I’ve come to realize that it is more like a series of parallel voices that are all there, but one of them holds primary control. When I am being cruel, I don’t stop loving, but the intensity of the voices shift.”
    “So when you are loving, the cruel voice gets quieter and when you are cruel, the loving voice gets quieter?”
    “It’s a little complicated, but in its simplest form, yes. The cruel voice is almost absent except for when I am in Domspace.”
    “Do you ever feel guilty about the cruel side?”
    “I have before, but then I picture it as a type of love. Could you imagine fs feeling okay if I wasn’t cruel to him? Or maybe it’s because I love him that being cruel is okay.

    This is what I struggle with at times furs. You wrote it so well. But I am gradually realising that being cruel is ok for R and me. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing. This is one of those topics that is the biggest challenge for me to write since I am not a sadist and I have to imagine what it would probably be like. It makes me happy to know that it is similar to what people experience.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, this must be quite a challenge for a male author to project oneself into dominant (or maybe sadistic) female mind. Even for such an experienced and well-read in this field. Wanda is evolving slowly, gradually trying to define her inner self. How does it reflect your own evolving, dear Ladies. Give us your thoughts, please.
    Peter
    P.S.
    Good read, as always. Not only a interesting story but food for thought.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Peter.

      Thankfully I have some sounding boards to bounce these off of to make sure the feelings are realistic. It gives me the confidence to keep going with it. This has been quite the challenge so far.

      Like

  3. Keep going then with this theme, if you will. After long series of digging in to fs maind it’s time to unveil the depths of female psyche. It’s good you have some “sounding boards” to to rely on.
    Peter

    Liked by 1 person

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