fs02: A Domme’s View – Arc 4 – Chapter 36

Chapter 36

My fantasy from last night haunts me. All day. It lingers in my mind. Am I turning into Cass? This darkness… makes me uncomfortable. The beast is growing too strong. I barely feel like myself. Whatever happened to the old me? Where is the old Wanda?

I used to just want to take and take and take. I wanted to keep him locked up and use him like a sex toy. I wanted to be waited on hand and foot. I punished only when I was displeased and with David, that was rarely. I was happy and content like that. That was a life that I could have had forever.

But it didn’t last forever.

If I hadn’t gone to that play party… I wouldn’t have woken the beast. I didn’t even know it was in me. I’d been around Cass and fs for a long time now. Their dynamic had never appealed to me. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t want it.

But now? I don’t know. I want to see a boy blush. I want to watch him squirm and writhe. I want him to make sounds. I bite my lip as I tingle. Oh god, Wanda. Is this what you really want now?

I dig deep into my mind. I am unable to accept this. Why? Why is it such a struggle?

Was it my ex-husband? I felt so weak with him. Eventually I felt lucky to receive any sort of affection or attention. I felt lucky that he would let me suck him, only to feel like a used piece of trash after. I should have hated him. Instead I learned to hate myself.

When we split… ugh. Really, Wanda? Be honest. When he LEFT me for a younger and prettier woman… I was crushed. I felt ugly. I felt fat. I felt worthless.

With Femdom, the switch went on. I knew who I wanted to be. I would never let another man make me feel that way. I tried to build up my dominant philosophy around that idea. I would be strong. I would be demanding. His only need should be serving my needs. This was my dominance. I wouldn’t lift a finger. If he wanted something from me, he was trash and I threw him out.

This makes me feel so lost. A lot of the things that the subs I have tested over the years wanted are now things that… I want to try. Does that make me a hypocrite? Was I really a poor Domme before? Or am I just evolving?

I feel the darkness creep into my thoughts. It finds me in my fantasies. It finds me in my dreams… I think… I really have to write those down, but I’m pretty sure it’s there, too. It’s scaring me. It’s calling to me. Should I embrace the darkness?

I had always felt comfortable around Cass because I could see how different we were. Her dominance was so… thorough. It was both active and passive at the same time. I never really compared myself to her because it was so far beyond what I wanted. What do you want, Wanda? There’s still so much that you haven’t done.

I remember Fcsie once told me that if I lose myself in specifics I won’t be able to see the themes. If I wasn’t avoiding him I would probably just ask him to point them out to me. Come on, Wanda, don’t just cop out that easily. Dig.
Why do I like hearing the sounds so much? That’s what keeps filling my senses. That’s what I hunger for the most. Why sounds?

They are a reaction. A reaction to something that I have done. I make them suffer and they respond with sounds. I did that. I made them do that. They suffer for me. I have the power to make them suffer for me. The sounds aren’t for them, they are for me. They feed me. They feed my hunger… my power. I feel so fucking alive when I drink it up.

Is there a reason? Do I need a reason to make someone suffer? I used to think so. That made it okay. Do I really need one? No, of course not. I can do it just because I want to. Hello, there. Someone’s awake. I must be on the right track.

I hurt them for their expression and sounds. When I dressed up Michael he looked so ashamed. His expression was almost more painful than the ones he made while I hit him. He didn’t want to be dressed like that… and that made me want to do it even more. When I pegged him… nngh. I want to touch myself. Focus, Wanda. When I pegged him, he was so helpless before me. I loved that it did nothing for him. I fucked him just to pleasure myself.

It was different than having someone pleasure me. This was active. It felt like forcibly taking something rather than sitting back and receiving something. And chastity… I used to see it as a way to ignore a cock and make it seem insignificant and unimportant. The thought of the key in my hands… makes me feel like I own it, and it’s my choice to deny it. Wow, Wanda, the smile on your face really makes you feel evil.

A light bulb. The theme. I want absolute power. I want to do what I want, even hurt them. I want to enjoy every ounce of my power. This is what Wonderous Woman is powerful enough to do. I still want to be her. I want to feast upon them to my heart’s content.

I need a boy that will give this to me and still give me everything else that I want from a companion. I will learn to embrace this. I want to hunt and not simply be fed. This is you, Wanda. How do I make this happen?

Return to the Table of Contents

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “fs02: A Domme’s View – Arc 4 – Chapter 36

  1. It’s weird how one experience can totally change your perspective on any given thing, or ignite an interest you didn’t know you even had. It starts a chain reaction in your mind and often it’s unstoppable. When that switch gets flicked, I run with it. It’s why taking opportunities to try new things is important. We get used to routine and not sticking our necks out. It’s important. I’ve been to one or two parties like this but nothing on this scale. I’d love to do a really upscale one and go in with my Domme persona and have a ball with it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, NYAG. I have definitely had that happen several times over since I began my journey. I think in a lot of cases it was to see a romantic side of an act that I didn’t understand before. Often it just takes one person with a passionate and eloquent description to unlock it for me.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s